Hello there!
My name is Kevin.
I’ve been addicted to porn for 25 years.
PornFreeLifestyle.org and The Quest for Freedom is my attempt to document my journey.
I started recovery in May of 2024 and my sobriety date is September 26, 2025.
My common forms of acting out include or have included porn and porn-adjacent content, masturbation, frequenting strip clubs, cheating, lying, lying by omission, lusting and wanting to be lusted after, and second glances in public.
It’s my hope that by sharing my journey and everything it involves – the good and the bad – that I can inspire other men to pick up their swords and shields and join the fight with me.
Unlike some addicts, for me, there was no rock bottom. No grand moment of enlightenment, either. Instead, the worst point in my addiction was the slow realization that I wasn’t meant to live this way. I felt like a rat in a cage being pumped full of a drug in some cruel experiment. But I was also the scientist which makes it so much worse.
I was sneaking breaks in the bathroom at work to get a glimpse on my phone. I was waking up early just so I could go to the living room to scroll and get off for an hour before my girlfriend woke up. I had erectile dysfunction at 30 and even bought a prescription drug just to stay hard with my wife. I was spending a huge amount of my free time on a useless, destructive habit.
I had always known it was a problem, too, but I couldn’t muster the strength to take recovery seriously. I couldn’t turn my back on it. Since the age of 10, porn had been a way to escape the pain – the pain of my parents divorce. The pain of an older brother who beat me up. The pain of a sister with Down syndrome who needed me to protect her from teasing but knowing I couldn’t or wouldn’t or didn’t know how. The pain of feeling ugly. The pain of being poor. Porn solved everything. If only for the moments I used.
But using once in awhile became using during summer breaks from school which became using all year round. Days became years and years became decades of servitude to a master I hated. I used porn to feel better. But using made me feel worse. I knew that much. Down and down in this vicious cycle I sank.
So that was the worst point, just being constantly angry, anxious, and disappointed in myself below the surface for not knowing how to quit this thing I knew had become an addiction. This went on for over two decades.
The saddest part is realizing that time is gone forever. All the missed opportunities to contribute something meaningful to the world or to improve myself or just walk around feeling “normal”. I had conditioned my brain and body to flee from hard feelings like anxiety and anger. The “hard” feelings eventually included the easier ones, too, like boredom or hunger.
How many jobs did I run away from the moment they became difficult?
How many relationships did I sabotage due to not being able to cope with the natural stressors and emotions?
How many partners did I cheat on in a never-ending quest for more?
How many hobbies or activities did I avoid just to spend more time with my “drug”?
It doesn’t matter now.
I know different path now and I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful I found it before it’s too late. Before I lost my marriage, job, or health to it. And what a path I’ve found – communities of like-minded men – all trying to get rid of the exact same thing. Personal growth, freedom, and clarity. Spiritual connection with the universe.
Of course, the hardest part is staying on the path now that I’ve found it.
Between May 2024, when I started tackling this for real, and September 2025, I relapsed 93 times. Don’t let anyone tell you relapse isn’t part of recovery. I hated myself every single one of those 93 times. I cried. I yelled. I hit myself. Then I learned to love myself. Slowly, the relapses became less frequent. I’d go for days and weeks at a time, surfing the urges.
Now the easiest part is in those moments of connection, in a recovery meeting with other men or while reading the story of another addict’s journey. Or the moment of overcoming an urge through a phone call, a meditation, a prayer, or just a walk.
They say “the opposite of addiction is connection” and so I want to recreate those safe places I’ve found. Space to learn and ask questions as we ALL march ever onward towards a porn-free lifestyle each day.
I grew up playing video games in the 90s and still play them to this day. Video games were and still are a subtler form of escapism, but one I’ve been able to control and use to relax responsibly… for now. But I’m constantly on the lookout for video game addiction. I *think* I know the signs now.
As you may be able to tell, the classic roleplaying video games like Pokémon, World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy, Skyrim, Grand Theft Auto, Octopath Traveler and countless others inspired the look and feel of my approach here.
I use AI to generate much of the artwork here, but all the words and content are my own, born of my experiences.
Thanks for stopping by.
I hope to see you again soon.
Reach out to me directly at pornfreelifestyle@proton.me if you ever need to talk.
-Kevin the Innkeeper
The Quest for Freedom 